As we romp into the 20s, here are my New Year predictions – an asteroid on steroids and Adrian Mole becomes prime minister

As we romp into the 20s, here are my New Year predictions – an asteroid on steroids and Adrian Mole becomes prime minister

As the Roaring 20s begin, we can make accurate predictions for the New Year thanks to the gift of 20/20 vision for all citizens paid for by the £350 million Brexit bonus to the NHS…

January. Britain leaves the EU in an event that historians will liken to an asteroid hitting the UK. A team of economists and physicists are nominated for the Nobel Prize for their (unused) solution to Brexit. They propose that the UK can be in a superpositional state. In the EU and out of the EU at the same time. Having both left the union and remaining within it. The RSPA launches a prosecution for animal cruelty after the researchers shove a cat into a box to illustrate that their proposal is as simple as Schrodinger’s Cat – alive and dead at the same time.

Romping into the Roaring 20’s!

February.  A general election is called after Boris Johnson said he fancied another quick one. Announcing the election on the last day of January at a press conference with his new girlfriend Melinda Trump, Johnson promises to give all UK voters free access to the Tinder dating app. But to secure Lib Dem and SNP support for an election, he is forced to reduce the voting age to 13 and three-quarters, allowing a nation of Adrian Moles to vote for the first time. The Real Adrian Mole Party is launched in a bedroom overnight.  

March. The Real Adrian Mole Party wins the general election after Mr Mole declares himself the next Greta Thunberg and runs with the slogan “GET CLIMATE DONE!” The Conservatives and Labour both blame the result on the BBC. They complain the broadcaster had shown too much respect for children at the expense of the adults who have run this country competently for decades. Jacob Rees Mogg demands, “Children should be seen but not heard.”

April. After yet more washing machines and tumbler dyers go up in flames, regulators issue a warning to people to stop washing their clothes. MPs for the Real Adrian Mole Party say they back the move because they don’t wash their clothes anyway. Extra air freshening units are installed in the House of Commons. At the end of the April, the new government runs into trouble when the MPs’ parents receive court summons for not sending their children to school.

May. A new leader of Shropshire Council is elected after the current leader gets lost in Shrewsbury’s shopping centres.

June. The Real Adrian Mole Party collapses after its MPs head off on a long summer vacation at the end of school term. The Telegraph leader rants that in the glorious old days, Parliament never went into recess when urgent issues had to be decided. Another snap general election is called. Jacob Rees Mogg becomes prime minister after promising that all babies born on election day will be privileged with tax-free status for life. As maternity units struggle with a surge in induced births, a new chaise lounge is delivered to 10 Downing Street. Parliament is prorogued while the couch undergoes extensive testing.

July. Shropshire Council’s leader threatens legal action against Private Eye. Lawyers are briefed the magazine is damaging the council’s reputation because it hadn’t been featured in the Rotten Boroughs column for months.

“We demand more articles like this,” says Shropshire Council

August. Shropshire Council announces that all potholes in the county have been repaired using its Black Hole Fund. The council leader is nominated for the Nobel Prize for Fiction and is appointed Fantasy Prime Minister in Waiting.

September. Following bad headlines in the national and local media, the council leader announces a new initiative to improve the council’s popularity. “Last year, thousands turned out to watch the explosive demolition of the Ironbridge cooling towers”, she said. “In December, we will flatten Shirehall in a spectacular series of explosions. Shropshire deserves a spectacle and Shropshire Council is well practised in providing that. Our staff will in future work online and will become virtually invisible.” Councillors celebrate as Pride Hill shopping centre in Shrewsbury is “repurposed” as a council chamber replete with a cinema, bar, pizza joint and sweet shop.

October. Fox News announces a huge asteroid is on collision course with the Earth. Donald Trump welcomes the news. “At a single blow, we can solve climate change, overpopulation, poverty, unemployment and annihilate Obama Care. This will be the greatest achievement of my presidency. Re-elect me now.”

Plans to move Shropshire Council into Pride Hill are put on hold after councillors complain that they are expected to debate council business while crammed into the back two rows of a cinema.

November. Nasa scientists declare the asteroid story is fake news. Donald Trump is re-elected. Quantum physicists confirm this proves reality does not exist.

December. As reports resurface about an asteroid heading towards the Earth, Shropshire Council’s leader announces the destruction of Shirehall has been now been cancelled as she has heard that a larger demolition scheme is just hours away. Moments later, a giant asteroid on steroids slams into the Earth.

THE END

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